Massive, massive Mommy fail day.

Let's hope my child survives the night.

This morning I took him to IHOP. While dicing up pancakes I lost a square. It fell under the table and I didn't bother to retrieve it. As we left the restaurant Payne got slightly ahead of me, plucked the 30 minute old pancake bit off of the floor, and before I could even yip, popped it into his mouth. I went something like "Uuuuugh! Nooooo!" (can we think about what might stick to a syrupy piece of pancake laying on the area people generally rest their feet for a minute?) and a table of women in front of us burst into laughter.

Strike One.

Then we ended up at Pei Wei for dinner after church. As we left THERE Payne ran ahead of me again. We spotted the rogue pea simultaneously. It lay ominously on the tile walkway out of the restaurant. We had no way of knowing how far it had traveled, or for how long it had languished unattended in it's current location. I yelped "Leave it! It's dirty!". Payne swooped, grabbed, and popped it into his mouth. I yelled "Auuuuugh! No no! That's gross!". Then I realized a woman near the door was shooting me a dirty look, so I sort of barked "Sorry!" and when she continued to look at my like I was crazy I added a stilted "...for yelling." and then bolted out of the door.

Strike Two.

I promise my kid ate something that wasn't peppered with e-coli today:

Cake and ice cream, at his cousin's birthday party.

Go me! Heh heh.

Payne takes "howping" to a whole new level...

So, in light of Nuggette's fondness for digging her heels into my ribs and pressing her head into my bladder in a leisurely stretch, I have to cut into Payne's playground fun quite frequently for bathroom breaks. I try to sort of coax him away by asking if he can "Help Mommy go potty".

He takes this job very seriously.

He will get behind me and push my rear in the direction of the bathroom, saying "D'is way Mommy!". Once we're inside he takes my hand and guides me with great concern while spouting "Here Mommy. I howp you!" into a stall. He locks the door (his favorite part). Then he will back me up to the toilet and try to pull my pants down for me, saying "Pants Mommy, der you go!". He also brings it upon himself to pre-measure and tear off my allotment of toilet paper. After that I'm reminded to flush, and assisted with closing the door (his second favorite part). He never forgets to remind me to wash my hands, and is very diligent in obtaining paper towels for hand drying, perhaps over diligent when towel retrieval involves an automatic paper dispenser...

I genuinely believe that he thinks I couldn't do it without him. It's hilariously sweet!

Some more funny moments.

Last night, Payne went swimming with my Mom after dinner. My Dad and I were sitting on the patio watching them when Payne turned to my Dad and yelled "Pappy! You put on 'wim biper (swim diaper) too? Corn (come on)!". So yeah Dad...where are you swim diapers anyway? Heh heh.

Today Payne and I were in the car, and he looked over at some empty train tracks that are familiar to him. He excitedly said "Der twain go! Twain working!". It took me a good few minutes to realize that he equated the term "working" with being gone, because I always tell him that "Daddy is working" when Dan is out of town and Payne asks where he is. So, he was saying that the train was gone too. I can't decide if this is funny or depressing!

Progress. Finally!

I am now 34 weeks pregnant. Exhibit A:



I will be having a baby in a month people. My c-section is scheduled for July 29th. One...month...away. Holy crap.

And my husband was finally actually at home long enough to work on the nursery for me! The poor man has quite a demanding work schedule. We took down the old bed, put the baby furniture up, and he hung my beloved bunny plaques that I (cough, cough, and my Dad the hobby carpenter) spent a ton of time making!


It's not totally done yet, and won't be until after Nugget's arrival. We won't be removing the mattress and arranging the furniture into final positions until after Dan's Mom comes to stay with us to help with the baby. I'll probably bring our beige recliner in there, or maybe get a glider. I'm not sure yet...


The white box hung on the wall here is a shadow box. We have one for Payne too, and I will put the baby's coming home outfit, hospital bracelet, footprints, and other little souvenirs in there.


We got the bedding from Target on clearance. It was such a steal and I love it. I guess the "theme" of Nugget's room is Spring? Bunnies and tulips are pretty Spring-ish.

I feel so much better now.

Well crap.

I've started to let Payne watch the occasional movie, usually when he didn't watch any morning cartoons. However, I think that perhaps giving a child a taste of Disney is like giving a parolee just one little hit of crystal meth.

This is how I found him this afternoon:



Yep. Sitting directly in front of the DVD player, staring longingly at our limited collection of animated movies. Oh, and he was asking in the sweetest voice possible "Mine watch movie cars? Mine watch movie kewins (penguins)? Mine watch dis one? (points to The Incredibles) Mine watch dis one? (points to Finding Nemo)".

I told him nicely no, that we weren't watching a movie today. I tried to lure him away from the Altar of Pixar with questions, toys, food, all to no avail. He sat there quietly for close to half an hour. Just wishing...

Crappity crap crap.

Cue the Banjos.

I wish I could think of some phonetic way of providing you with the dueling banjos segment from Deliverance....



Let me paint you a slightly more elaborate picture:

It was hot. Dan was going to be out late and Payne didn't take much of a nap. I was feeling like too much of a pregnant heiffer to drag myself and the boy to the neighborhood pool. And damnit, I wanted my kid to fall asleep before 10 p.m., unlike the night before where he managed to entertain himself in pitch black with an empty Fisher Price Noah's Ark and a single match box car until directly before Dan and I went to bed.

My solution? Steal (Yes, steal! No permission was asked and they're out of town) the kiddie pool from my parent's back yard and fill it up on my front porch. The porch was necessary because it's the only covered outdoor area we have, and the backyard in the afternoon is comparable in heat levels to the surface of the sun. I then schlepped a kitchen chair and some bath toys out there and slapped a swim diaper on the boy (swim trunks? Psh, those are for people who put on airs).

So we were chillin in the front yard with a kiddie pool, in our skivvies (well, I was wearing sweat shorts and a tank top) for the world to see. On the plus side, I got all of my "bud-ez" (bushes) and "gas" (grass) "wawered" via giant Sonic cup (by hand folks! That's good service)for free, and Payne went down without at peep at 8 p.m.! I need to procure some hair rollers and a cigarette for next time.

Father's Day Photos.

Ha! I insisted on taking this photo before I changed Payne after church because I very cheesily matched Dan and Payne's shirts on Father's Day. Dan was so kind as to let me. Unfortunately the only photo I got was a little goofy.

I was remiss in getting a picture of Mike (Dan's dad), Dan, and Payne all together while we were at their house for lunch on Sunday. Sorry Mike! I promise to correct that the next time we get together.

And.....



Best...picture...ever.

Here we have my Dad, brandishing his Father's Day cookie cake, with eyes deftly averted to the U.S. Open playing on the T.V. behind the camera. Payne is posing in an oh so charming fashion with his toy pliers poised to attack his own nose, wearing his Ewok shirt and no pants. AND in the bottom left corner there you see Hannah (the resident dachshund) eyeing that giant cookie and preparing to make an attack if it lowers by even the slightest of margins. I feel like I should sent this in to awkwardfamilyphotos.com.