Tuesday, June 18, 2013

I've moved!

Don't panic.

Everything is the same, just with the "other guy" now.

Please follow the link and reset your bookmark! Pleeeaaaaase.


Sunday, June 16, 2013

Swim Class.

Dan and I decided that this was the year we needed to get Payne some
professional Not Drowning lessons.

Things started out a little rough.

A) Payne now shuns all true swim trunks. He quickly realized that trunks over a speedo were superfluous, and now he's rocking the Michael Phelps look at splash pads all over the greater Houston area. It's ridiculous.

So, I felt a little silly bringing my 4 year old, who doesn't know a single stroke, to swim class at the local YMCA in a racing suit.
Honestly, I'm worried his teachers think I'm going all Earl Woods on them. 

B) He refused to get in the water on the first day. Heck, he refused to let the teacher shower him off before he even approached the pool. I bargained, threatened, and cajoled, to no end. Finally one of the instructors came and got him just to see if putting him in the water would help.

No. No it didn't. Payne was doing his best to throttle a 20 year old man. He kicked his teenage swim teacher, while vocalizing in a way I thought was beyond the capacity of anything but a Tasmanian devil. The adventure culminated with him perched on the edge of the pool ladder, growling mightily and fiercely staring at the pool deck, while three very earnest young people tried to talk some sense into him.

We went home early. Payne went to bed early, like at 11 a.m.

The next day we returned, armed with an apology letter signed by our little violent offender, and a sage lecture from Daddy still ringing in his ears.

And henceforth he has acted like he owns that place. He loves it!

In fact, he's gotten a little cocky. The other two little girls in his class  though unrelated, happen to have matching (Rainbow Hello Kitty, so chic!) swimsuits.  He holds both of their hands and escorts them around the pool deck.

Guys, he looks like a shrunken Hugh Hefner.


Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Meet Blake.


I'm puppy sitting for my parents, and Blake is their most recent dachshund edition.

He is an absolute novelty to me, because I have never owned a long haired dog. I am fascinated:

- everything he does is muffled by his fur. He's a dog ninja.

- instead of laying in sun patches on the rug like a proper dachshund, he lays in the shade on the tile.

- after a bath, his fur looks crimped. I had to resist the urge to put a tshirt ring on his collar.

(come on. You remember Tiffany)

- I may or may not have nick named him Michael Bolton.

This post has aged me, hasn't it...



Monday, June 10, 2013

An achievement.

I think we attained maximum height while preserving structural stability. It's...breathtaking.

Eat your heart out, Dr. Seuss!


Friday, June 7, 2013


This isn't how you watch the morning news?

If Dan did this during dinner, we'd be down a T.V. by now. Heh.


Thursday, June 6, 2013

Ways in which I have screwed up

Over the past few days:

- I spent a solid 10 minutes trying to screw the wrong lid onto some Tupperware. I KNEW these two pieces went together, so I tried and tried and cussed and stared at the two pieces in incredulous confusion, finally dumping my leftovers into a new container altogether. Then tonight, an epiphany.

Damn youuuuuuu competing brands of cheap plastic! Whyyyyy? 

- I have water spots on my Tupperware.


Nope. Still can't muster up any f*cks to give over that one.

- I missed a spot. 

See, I have this motherly psychosis stemming from being the main day to day caregiver of helpless beings. I am very concerned that i get no second opinions. I worry that I always miss the same tooth because of how I brush their teeth and one day both of their lower left eye teeth will just spontaneously fall out.  

When Payne was about 5 months old I suddenly discovered a hidden roll under his nonexistent neck during a bath. I was practically in tears as I scrubbed 5 months worth of formula dribbles off of my precious!

So tonight I was cleaning out Genevieve's upper ear folds and realized I'd been missing a turn for ALMOST TWO YEARS. Horrifying! Ear fold gunk! The poor child was bright red from the ear canal up by the time I had finished with her.

Mommy psychosis reinforced. Awesome.

- I keep forgetting if I fed the dogs, like at all, or just breakfast, or just dinner? I'm either starving them to death or driving them into morbid obesity. 

So yeah, not winning in the smarts department this week, but oh, can I dice a watermelon up into perfect cubes:

"No photos of the pieces, please. Quality prints of all artwork will be available in the gift shop."




Monday, June 3, 2013


 That's it, really. We've had a lovely four day weekend and nothing particularly blog worthy happened.

This morning Payne went to the driving range with my parents, and my Mom sent me this.

He has a teeny little golf glove, and real clubs, like Hobbit size.

I'm going to sign him up for all of the sports, just for the miniaturized equipment.

You all know this is entirely within the realm of possibility for me!