Saturday, February 11, 2012

This is my level of dedication to your entertainment.

In order to tell this story I need to share something deeply personal and embarrassing with you.

I have a little bit of peach fuzz on my upper lip.

It's not quite blond.

I have a little bit of dark-ish fuzz on my upper lip.

Okay OKAY!

I have a mustache.


I bleach my 'stache, as do most women that share my affliction. This is done with a handy little chemistry kit type thing (mixing plate and spatula included!) provided nearly everywhere through the generosity of Ms. Salley Hansen, whoever that is. The process is visually...arresting. I hole up in my bathroom while coated in bleachy goo and avoid encountering anyone at all costs. I think Dan and I were married for three years before he finally walked in on me mid 'stache bleach. He knew I did it, but had never seen the process before.

Yes, he laughed. No, I did not.

So today I put the kids down for their naps and decided I was in need of a little 'stache eradication. I happily applied the stuff and plopped down on the edge of the tub with my phone as entertainment to wait out the fume ridden and...tingly...ten minutes required.

Then I heard the guest bathroom toilet lid open.

This sound cannot be ignored, because it's possible, quite likely really, that Payne might be in need of some adult assistance with cleanup. I can't in good conscience avoid that responsibility. So I creep in there hoping just to check on him and duck out if he had completed less than serious business. Unfortunately, he was in need of my help, so I went in, and asked "You need help buddy?". He responded with a quick and inattentive "Yeah" and then glanced up at me briefly.

I kid you not. My three year old did a double take.

Payne: (wide eyed) "Mommy, wat daaaaat? On your mouf?"

Me: "Oh. It's, um, soap." (really, go ahead and try thinking of a way to explain relative cultural ideas of beauty and semi-permanent body alteration to your young child, ok?)

Payne: "Soap? 'Dinky soap!"

I'll give him that one. It does have a tendency to burn one's tender nostrils.

Me: "Mmm. Hmm..."

Payne: "You 'ave a mustache?"

Me: (nervous giggle)

Ah. Don't you love it when children say something superficially correct but also even more correct than they realize?


So, at that point I was expending a considerable amount of effort in not laughing, because 'stache bleach kind of sets, and if you smile or talk much after it's been on there a couple of minutes it does this lovely thing where it cracks and half slides off and one ends up with chemical burns on one's lips.

This story does have a happy ending. Payne was re tucked, bleach was washed off, and I now have nice blond upper lip fuzz.

I wonder how much I'm going to regret having posted this tomorrow.

1 comment:

  1. I also have peach fuzz, thankfully it is blonde so I don't have to bleach it, but that is probably the number one reason I do not wear lipstick. I feel like to makes my peach fuzz stand out! And I don't want to draw attention to it. :)